[For a long time I thought this was wasn’t going to happen. But like Vanilla Ice’s career, the final Juggalo Gathering report from Dalton “D-Tox” Blanco was merely lost in a smoke cloud in the Midwest. Here it is now—enjoy! -SC]
I was uploading some wicked pics at the media tent when all this rain started pouring down. LardOG and Kev-In-Rock couldn’t hang and bitched out, leaving me with a poncho and the promise that I would get picked up Monday morning.
So I checked out the Miss Juggalette contest. My camera almost got soaked when one of the contestants started squirting all over the stage. I had seen her giving lap dances the night before. She ended up winning.
Speaking of winning, Charlie Sheen actually showed up, and when someone threw a half-full can of Faygo at him, he caught it without looking. That Tiger Blood shit works.
Vanilla Ice hit a 6-foot bong on stage. Hella DGAF.
George Clinton ain’t got rainbow dreads no more, but his granddaughter’s name is Sativa.
Blaze was sich.
Tech N9ne evoked many areolas.
I saw some of Twiztid’s set, then headed to Bloodymania 5 where I was gonna meet up with Bernie Bleak, but that dude got arrested while trying to hitch a ride. You can read his memoirs somewhere soon.
Bloodymania highlight: A lady jumping off the top rope onto another lady outside the ring. I can’t remember if the following chant was “That-Was-Awe-Some” or “Ho-Ly-Shit.”
I ran into this dude who was bummed that he didn’t get laid. I lost my poncho. Sucks for us.
I got back to the tent to find that it was not waterproof. I drained the lake in the back corner, evicted this bitch ass spider, and slept on a soggy sleeping bag. Wuddup.
The next day…I got up and the neighbors were fighting a big fuckin’ red ant against a locust inside a water bottle.
Corporal Robinson handed me a burger. It was good.
The Michael Jackson impersonator beat the Prince impersonator, who slipped in Faygo.
Met this dude whose landlord branded last year’s amulet on his chest for him. He said next year, he’ll have this year’s branded on the other side.
I got my first “Fuck the press!” but I’m a lover, not a fighter (that dude totally could have fucked me up) so I gave him a thumbs-up and smiled.
Fuck a helicopter ride, I got on my first ever Ferris wheel ride with this ninja who gave me a beer for no reason. Fully romantic.
Also met someone who knew I was part Cherokee based on my hair. She also said Chuck Norris was her uncle and that her ex-ex-boyfriend killed her 2-year-old baby.
Another Juggalette let me know that “Dalton” was a weird name for a brown guy. Agreed.
Anyways, ICP was gonna play and I wasn’t sure how I was going to shoot photos without getting covered in Faygo until this dude from this radio show gave me a trash bag. I ripped some holes for my arms and head and Cornholio’d that shit.
The ICP dudes are expert Faygo 2-liter launchers. I had to hide underneath the stage to wipe the Moon Mist and other shit off my lens.
I ate another gigantic but discounted turkey leg and went back to the camp spot where the Canadians next to us were fighting. Then they burned their chairs and tent. Really confusing.
The next morning, it was turning into a ghost town. Not much “whoop whoop” going on. Lots of tents burning. Found a bag of pills on the floor, but threw them away.
Definitely coming back next year.
SEANCARNAGE.COM’s exclusive reporting from the 12th Gathering of the Juggalos by performer Kevin Blechdom(aka Kev-In-Rock) and her companions D-tox (musician/photographer Dalton Blanco) and LardOG (aka Captain Ahab director Lawrence Klein) has drawn to a close—for this year. Check out all the installments, and get yer Faygo ready, my ninjas, for the 13th annual in 2012. Woop woop!
In case you missed the new ICP collabo with Jack White (!?) and Mozart (!!??!?!?!)….
Yes, this song is about getting yer salad tossed….