2020 A.D.—time of the great pandemic. None of us know if we’ll make it through alive. It’s no joking matter. People are dying for real. So don’t blame me for contemplating my own mortality.
I’m no different from you. In my life I’ve dreamed, and hustled, BIG to leave my mark on this messy world. But in the end everything I’ve done has been a waste of time—except for just two things.
Because while I’d rather be memorialized for the most loving, compassionate, loyal, inspired and just plain kind things I’ve done, the fact remains that numbers are numbers and in this case the figures are in:
I, Sean Carnage, will only be remembered for bringing Type O Negative singer Peter Steele’s giant penis (NSFW) and Ronnie James Dio’s wacky funeral to the Interwebs.
Shocked? I’m not. A decade of data backs it up. Let’s explore…
The rise (no fall) of Steele’s peter
In April 2010 when word dribbled out prematurely from various online news sources that Type O Negative’s resident goth metal trendsetter and lady killer, Peter Steele, had shuffled off this mortal coil to rage forever with the babes at the great afterparty in the sky, it seemed like a blasphemous rumor. Steele was only 48 (my age now). Type O were probably the only 21st Century metal band your romance novel-reading aunt could name. They were Top 40. Steele’s Samson-like virility was notorious. But, as always, one never knows when one’s number is up.
So. Peter Steele, R.I.P. April 14, 2010. Very sad.
Of course I commemorated this in the way that we do. I published pics of Steele’s dead wiener on Internet (er, well, his penis is actually alive in the photos).
Since that date it has been a non-stop Peter Steele dick fest day after day after day, as you and countless other shameless cock sluts return to this site to check out the goods. Talk about staying power. Just look at Google Analytics:
You perv! You’ve have checked out Peter Steele’s massive unit almost 97,000 times in the past decade. That’s gotta be some kind of record.
And I gotta say to my friends on the D.I.Y. scene, that as much as we love the good ol’ days of Pehrspace and Il Corral, Peter Steele’s willy is what’s paying the bills around here, accounting for a prodigious 75% of all SEANCARNAGE.COM traffic and 6,666 hours of cumulative visual stimulation. In four minute blasts (on average).
I’m impressed you can last that long.
Don’t disrespect Dio—or Satan, or Metal
The only other crowning achievement of my life happened when Black Sabbath / Rainbow / Elf singer Ronnie James Dio died young and left this world for Heaven (and Hell?) on May 16, 2010. I somehow had the foresight to get my massively, painfully hangovered ass up to Forest Lawn Cemetery to interview, Jeff Krulik-style, Neon Knights like Katon De Pena of Hirax and Ace Diamond not to mention uncountable, unnamed Children of the Sea.
Your response has been thunderous—to date over 1.4 million YouTube views for my humble documentary:
I mean, I will never have success like this in anything else I do. Every eighteen seconds a new person starts watching “Heavy Metal Funeral.” This documentary is my “Holy Diver”—my against-the-odds fluke hit single. It’s my codpiece of success.
But even more remarkable than the view count is the almost 2,000 comments! Talk about “Mob Rules.” Metallists from all over the world drop in to say variations of the following:
- “Metal is not satanic”
- “Dio is not Satanic”
- “Americans are disrespectful of Dio”
- “Americans are disrespectful of Metal”
- “I hate the guy dressed as Satan”
- “Americans are disrespectful of Satan”
- “The Westboro Baptist Church sucks”
- “The woman at 3:05 says ‘Take things in the ass’ instead of ‘Good things never last'” (true!)
- “Is that Lenny Kravitz?”
I’d say “I love you all!” but, hey, that belongs to a different Sabbath singer. Nobody bleeds for this dancer…
In conclusion, success is a funny thing. You can toil all your life, as I have done, to do something new and fresh and “cutting edge.” But it might be the musty, fusty long-haired banshee-screaming metallion buried deep inside your personality that attracts others and lights the way. That or your penis.
The way I see it is there’s not much you can do about either, you just have to embrace it and let ’em have that “Rainbow in the Dark.”